For me April 3rd, 2017...POW...big track change! I broke my neck at C2 and multiple compression fractures in my upper back. There have been a few minor in comparision track changes since then on life's railway ride...but this train is still moving along, the rides not over and I didn't derail. New tracks are showing up that I would have never been exposed to if it were not for the POW.
I'm presented with new challenges and old habits. Each day I have to choose where to spend my daily strength and energy.
Early on in my recovery, I tried (a few too many times) to put my (old patterns) stubborn attitude to work and get rid of this pain, injury (emotional trauma) and just get on with things. My mind was so ready but my body was, and still, is not. I knew myself enough not to take pain medications because I seriously would hurt myself if I felt no pain or minimal pain. I generally have a high pain tolerance on any given day and push through things.
As time goes on I realize that only time, patience, nutrients, retraining of my body, plugging into spirit, and walking a fine line through all of that will heal me. I liken it to the rehab horses I have the absolute pleasure of healing with at this time. (...another post on that...but I assure you that I can not be instantly healed by special shoes, orthotics or any sort of joint injection, any more than my rehab horses can...)
I still remain in awe of how much depth my injuries reveal. I'm only now seeing the incredible colours of deep bruising coming out of my back. That basketball sized swelling which has had a constant burning 'epicentre' of pain, is showing its true colours. The back ball, as I named it, varies in size and intensity depending on how I use my body or my right arm on any given day...that epicentre stays a burning fire pit.
In the first 4 days post injury my throat was so swollen I could barely swallow. I can still feel my throat sort of randomly swell up or something. Hard to explain but it feels like I can FEEL the sharp point of the free floating tip of C-2. I mean it was free floating but now a bridge is being formed by my body to stabilize it...but it feels like I can feel it somedays. Like somedays it's still swollen or there is memory pain there.
I don't have vertigo anymore, 7 weeks of that was enough for anyone. I get headaches when the weather changes so I'm becoming a better barometer. :) I still feel slight pain and swelling on the top of my head in a 'ball' that has gotten smaller over time.
I have learned to ask for help more... I am still learning and practicing to receive. Lessons are shown to me pretty regularly and I meditate on that too... just to be open to receive. I still have Diane coming to do Qui Jong with me, with the Tibetan singing bowls. I release in the form of 'leaking' as my daughter says. Some days I 'leak' all day but it's not in sadness or fear, or happiness... it's just a release and I let it happen and honour it.
I have done some trimming with the help of friends, my mechanics stool, and very sharp tools. Now before saying anything, I realize that I can 'hurt myself' like this... but I also think the strength that I had in my body as a direct result of 'doing this work, saved me. The land here also helped to protect and save me and is healing me along with the rehab horses.
My formal rehabilitation hasn't even supposedly started yet. I didn't have the go ahead to take my collar off, unless I'm sleeping or walking slowly around the house. About two weeks ago I 'forgot' my collar and went to do my day. It was hell at first. My neck was so weak and any movement sideways or in any direction at all gave pull and pain...and excited some fear too. I wondered if I was doing right or I should put it back on and put myself on stall rest again. I didn't. I took it easy and took more green juices and did a lot of deep breathing and visualizing and within 5 days I was so much stronger. Today I trimmed a couple of horses without using the stool. I have someone hold for me (on super quiet horses) and I go in and trim. I just started driving in the country side again...with my seeing eye daughter. Don't worry, I can shoulder check by moving my entire upper body...good thing I have slippery leather seats.
I'm taking on my own rehab right along with the rehab horses. They are helping me too. I'm connecting to how I feel on any given day, as to what I can do on any particular day. I'm accepting and honoring that I do not have to do everything on every day.
....one day at a time....
....one moment and a time....
...one breathe at a time...
...until next time :)